Like the corners of my mind

Here’s a question that I’ve posed to a few friends every now and then: do you ever find yourself purposefully submerging yourself into your memories? I don’t mean just remembering something, I mean intentionally clearing your head and making yourself travel back in your head to a time or a place, recalling every detail that you can.

I do this a lot, a lot of times unintentionally. Usually it happens when I’m home by myself and things are quiet (I’ve already talked about how nighttime affects me) and I’m just sitting alone, thinking. I’ll see something or remember something and my mind will take me back to that time, bringing back sights, sounds, smells…but most importantly – feelings.

I can recall how I felt when someone said something or did something; most of the time, these are good feelings, but I’m very aware of the phenomenon of romanticizing the past as well. I suppose at this point you’ll probably want an example. SIGH – fine.

Lately, the memories have been those of my ex. What it was like to go through our normal day-to-day routine, what it was like to wake up next to him, how I felt when we were just sitting in the living room together. Like I said above, sometimes I force myself to relive these memories, almost as if I’m afraid of losing them. My memory has never been the greatest, but I’ve also never really been forgetful. Still, it’s almost like there’s a part of me that feels like those times are slipping away from me.

It’s not exclusive to thoughts of my ex, though. Sometimes, I’ll be sitting there and decide to relive moments from my childhood, replaying scenes of my friends and I playing outside, the houses that I grew up in, things like that.

I dunno, sometimes I wonder if that’s just one of my many quirks. Does anyone else out there do this? Does this ever happen to anyone else? Sometimes I find it comforting to remember those times and be in those moments again. Obviously there are other times that probably make me feel a bit too nostalgic, but I can usually pull myself out of it before I start to get too emo.

Memories are just really weird things. And considering all of my issues around my perception of things, maybe it’s not a bad thing to go back to those memories every now and then, just to examine a different perspective or maybe gain some insight into things now. Regardless, I don’t really see it as a problem; in fact, I should probably be grateful that I have those memories at all.

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