I figured after the last post I put up, I’d impose a bit of a break on myself for the blog. I always get a little embarrassed when I bare my soul like that, so I thought a little time away might help me feel more in the mood to write more. But I think there’s something that naturally follows what I posted last and that’s my struggles with self-image.
I fully understand that there are a lot of people out there who don’t like the way that they look, but I also know that there are some who do. I am not one of those people who knows what it feels like to look in the mirror and like what you see. At least, not every day. When I was younger and my metabolism was crazy, I got attention just for being skinny. I didn’t have to work at it, it just…happened. And then as I started to get older and stuff started to stick to me more, I started to get more paranoid that I would end up with a dadbod like, well, my dad.
Naturally, the answer there is to go to the gym, right? So I did. But then I realized that to look like I wished I looked like, I would have to do much more than just go to the gym. I would have to go a lot. What’s more, I’d also have to eat differently and essentially change my whole lifestyle in order to achieve this goal. That’s just something that I wasn’t able or willing to do. And so I was left in conflict – how can I be OK with how I look while also maintaining the lifestyle that makes me happiest?
I don’t have an answer, honestly. I do still go to the gym 2-3 times a week. I even paid for a personal trainer. I think it’s working, but going to the gym is still a really tough thing for me. There are always guys there who I perceive to be better-looking than I am and that still really affects me. I still have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror without a shirt on.
I do have friends who constantly reinforce the notion that I’m attractive in some senses but considering my issues with perception, it is really hard for me to hear that and trust that. To me, those people are supposed to say those things. They’re trying to make me feel better, so it’s not actually true…right? I have a friend who tells me that he relies almost solely on actions when determining how people really feel toward you and if I did that, I think I’d be even worse off because very few people’s actions have proven out the theory that I have some level of attractiveness. But then again, that could be my depression-sparked perception issues talking.
My perception of my own self-image is my biggest blind spot. It’s the largest thing that I have to work on and I’m sure this won’t be the only post about it. It’s a real struggle to put yourself in a place where you can be happy with how you look. I’m sure that the roots of problems like this go a lot deeper than the surface-level stuff I’ve talked about so far. But until I figure that stuff out, I’m just gonna continue to avoid the mirror (unless it’s a good day or right after the gym).