It’s been a while

Sorry I haven’t been here in awhile – things have been busy!

Since we last talked, I had a really hectic week of appointments, gym time, work…and then to make things even more fun, the travel that I thought I had at the end of the week got massively upset with a last minute change that I think actually worked out for the best.

I ended up going to DC Pride with some of my closest and bestest friends and it was so much fun! There’s a lot to talk about there – heat, protests, etc. – but I think what I really want to talk about are my expectations again. You see, I’ve always looked at Pride as a time to really cut loose and be even sluttier than I normally am (which is saying something, tbh) but it never actually turns out that way. Now before you say anything, I know why that is (and we’ll get to that in a second) but this year just felt more like a tease than it ever has before.

This year, during the parade, a friend of a friend walked up and chatted with some of my friends, but before he left, he whispered in his friend’s ear and then walked away. That friend then turned to me and said, “He thought you were cute.” I told him that I thought he was cute! They tried to get him back but he never actually came back. The rest of the day, he just…ghosted, essentially. (#MenAreGarbage)

The tease continued when I met with another friend who lives in DC. This friend always seeks me out whenever I show up to visit, but whenever we hang out, he always acts super shy and nothing ever happens. It is truly maddening.

Both of those interactions left me in a pretty grumpy place on Sunday. It’s been a long time since someone actively showed an interest in me without me already showing an interest in them…and then when it does happen, there’s no actual follow-through. To me, Pride would’ve been the perfect place for something to happen – it’s Pride! Everyone acts crazy during Pride, right?!

Turns out, my expectations of what Pride actually is might be a bit too shaped by media and social networks than what it actually is. Every year, I try to adjust my expectations but every year, I still end up disappointed. I’ve done a pretty good job of changing what I expect from other situations in my life, but I guess Pride just caught me by surprise. Where I should’ve been satisfied that people were at least showing interest in me, I was too focused on the end result. Where I should’ve been inhabiting the moment that I was in with my friends, I was too in my own head about how #MenAreGarbage.

The good news is that I’m gonna be too busy over the next week or so to really think about it that much, but NYC Pride is coming up soon and I’m just hoping that I can focus enough on what’s fun to not worry too much about my own expectations.

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