It’s good to be back…?

Yesterday was my first time back at the gym after a week away and…well…it didn’t go as well as I had hoped.

Which is not to say that it went bad, necessarily. But I had built up a bit of a good rhythm (thanks in large part to my very-helpful-but-way-too-expensive trainer) and generally felt pretty good about myself when I went. I wasn’t comparing myself to others as much and was focusing on what I needed to do.

Having been away, however, seems to have weakened my resolve a bit. I definitely felt intimidated and unworthy a lot more than I used to, which is silly because I’ve even had some recent incidents that should encourage my self-esteem, not hurt it. I was back home in NC for a bit and multiple guys had been obviously attracted to me while I was there, but then I come back to NYC and it is just a completely different world. I hate to fall back on pathetic clichés as often as I do, but basically I felt like an NC 8 and a NYC 3.

All of this line of thinking is pointless, obviously – I tell myself time and again that I do not want to spend that much of my time, energy and diet trying to look like those really attractive guys in the gym. And yet the thoughts remain and here I sit, still feeling like there’s no way I’m ever going to get noticed in this city.

I know what I have to offer and I know that someone out there will appreciate it. I just can’t be sure that they’ll ever be able to see me standing behind all the pecs and abs.

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