I’m ready (or am I?)

This is probably gonna sound pretty similar to a previous post that I wrote, so forgive me if it feels repetitive, but I’m in a bit of the same place that I was before when I wrote that. Except, instead of feeling expressly like I won’t ever get a turn (which I do still feel like), this morning I was left with this feeling that I’m definitely ready for my next relationship.

For a while, I hadn’t really felt like I was ready for a relationship after the ending of my last long-term one. I had a few dalliances, sure – but I think that even I knew I wasn’t really ready yet. But lately, there’s been this…feeling that comes over me when I see pictures of couples together on social media, being all lovey-dovey and gross. Usually that feeling is disgust and cynicism, accompanied by a bunch of eye-rolling. But recently it has started leaving me feeling wistful and with a sense of longing. I guess you could even throw jealousy in there if you wanted, but it’s not really a negative feeling as much as it is a sense of emptiness and need.

My life is lonely (as I might have mentioned only about 1503428372 times before) but some of that is on me. I choose to live alone and I choose to not be as social and outgoing as other people. So I struggle with this idea of whether or not I’m really ready because there’s a part of me that says that I should be acting different if I really was. But then there’s another part of me that says that maybe this just who I am and that whoever it is that I’m supposed to be with is just gonna have to run into me while I’m doing…whatever it is that I’m doing?

I dunno. I just know that I feel things, I feel…open. Of course, I could be misinterpreting all of this and I could just need to get more fresh air – who knows? But I think that I might have finally turned a corner somewhere in the relationship part of my brain. Time will tell, I suppose.

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