Contradictions

Last night, I played video games all day…which used to be my idea of a great weekend, right? And I even told myself going in that I needed a chill weekend without that much to do after all of the stuff that I got into last weekend. So I was looking forward to it.

And then the evening started to creep in and I started to feel like maybe I should do something. But I didn’t want to do something by myself. But I also wasn’t fully committed to doing anything either. So when my cousin texted to say that he and his friends would be out in Manhattan, I waved them off in favor of staying home.

Then I checked social media. Friends (?) of mine were out – close to my place, out in Manhattan – places I could’ve been invited to or gone myself. The FOMO started to settle in: what was I missing by not being out there? How much fun were they having that I could also be having? Why was I just sitting there playing video games all by myself at home?

When I woke up this morning, the social media posts just made it worse. I missed some real opportunities last night – or at least that’s what my head is telling me – and I feel really crummy about it. Pile on top of that the fact that my best friends are in Barcelona right now having an AMAZING vacation where they just happened to meet up with some cute guys AND it just happens to be Pride…sigh…

That little voice in my head just won’t shut up about all of the things that I’m missing because I can’t get myself up off the couch. That same voice, of course, makes me forget about the fact that I got laid again yesterday and that I’m going to an event in the park today – those things don’t count, right? They’re not the same.

I just feel so conflicted, so wishy-washy sometimes. What do I want? Do I want to relax and chill out? Or do I want to go out and meet people and hang out with friends? How do you separate the real feelings from the depression feelings? How can you tell the difference?

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